to my friends out there who are frustrated or bewildered or whateva cos i seem to haf disappeared or became hostile the past weekend, i'm sorry.. either i deliberately, accidentally, unknowingly, subconsciously.. or abit of all... my hp was either not with me or in silent silent mode.. not even vibration.. the tranquility won much of my adoration.. to not haf to answer a single call or reply a single sms can be a blessing as well..

nobody can find you..
nobody can ask you for opinions or get answers..
nobody can irritate you with their persistence..
to be perfectly done with a pinch of egotism..
or efficiently with a serving of can't-be-bothered attitude since no one's perfect..

gor.. i'm fine here.. once in a while loves to coop myself up in my room with jus a book or magazine.. read them til my eyes are tired then close them to rest.. thinking about the things that i've done, doing and going to do.. abit like soul searching you can say.. why have i become like that i hope to fully grasp the reasons but with my according-to-you puny or non-existent brain perhaps it will not be easy.. my exams have ended and i'm relieved.. tho i'm almost 100% sure i won do well this semester.. nevertheless i've one less worries now.. as for family, sis's getting on fine.. grades are improving slowly but steadily.. parents still the same since u last heard.. am living off my grandparents and aunts.. yep.. would love to go out and party and shop like nobody's business but no mood as yet.. hope ya doing fine..

i guess if i were to take the personality test again.. i may end up to be more introverted than before.. don seem to be as energetic anymore.. but then i'm still appreciative of friends who are always there.. like he said.. time spent together don't make a friendship last, rather being there at the rite time does.. hee, does it mean being there at the wrong time does the opposite? *nvm* sort of miss the sarcastic and vocab-churning exchange of trying-to-make-sense words.. don mind me.. random thoughts here..

if it wasn't the incessant pleadings..
if not for the earliest notice given..
if not for the old times' sake..
i shouldn't have obliged..
but then again.. it's simply cos of remaining affection perhaps..
i don't wish ur ego to be washed down the drains..
u jolly well understood i did not wish for more..
i just want you to noe i'm not one to be taken for granted for..
at least not totally..

i need comments about this one.. am i too demanding? when it comes to bgr, i thought i am easily contented.. *scratches head* or is it just me? haha.. no, not sad.. just abit puzzled.. is it too much to leave when you know the neglect may not be personal faults?

anyhow, i'll be in sentosa for the next 2 days.. chalet!!!!!!!!!!!!

i simply love my neighbours!!!!! just earlier today they gave me the may issue of Her World Magazine as well as the Ultimate cookbook of Tomatoes!! aren't they great? not to mention i've been receiving ELLE, Cleo and FHM magazines from them every now and then.. good source of entertainment especially after exams.. wow... i hope the supply doesn't stop! hee...

yesterday, or early morning today, chatted with a few friends online.. especially enjoyed the conversation with a new found friend zhisheng from social work class this semester.. jus so happens he noes ah bing and someone i heard from jasc and yongling is a real nice guy.. okie, i noe s'pore's a small small place.. it's been quite awhile since i get this kind of intellectually stimulating conversations.. it's good food for the brain as i've mentioned, but to be taken in moderation to prevent unecessary thinking and worrying over stuff.. initially thought i'd giv the impression of being too inquisitive.. u noe me, owas full of questions and smtimes the words jus come out without any brain processing.. hurm.. but turn out we chatted til abt 2am? if my memory doesn't fail me.. nice person to talk to.. *snilez*

rite, this is gg reverse chronological order.. watched ami yesterday and was surprised that jennifer hudson's out! i thought john stevens was gg to be eliminated.. oh well, this kind of thing's so unexpected.. i still love latoya london and jasmine trias anyway...

had dinner with ian and binjuan at Wheelock Place's Big O before ami.. yes! haven seen binjuan for such a long time! she's definitely blooming well! chatted abit here and there.. could haf gone 'deeper' in a way but oh well, the atmosphere wasn't that suitable then.. nvm.. hope she'll get into the course she's applied for.. i'll look forward to seeing her soon! oh yes.. the food at Big O's pretty expensive.. the portion's barely enuff to fill half my stomach.. but the desserts are great! hee.. yep..

even before this, had lunch buffet at sake sushi with jasc and yongling.. they jus had their first exam paper (accounting) then woke me up with their calls asking me go makan.. jasc's a steady driver i must say.. and she's parking queen!!!! hiakz.. okie.. back to the food.. we sat in sake sushui from 3pm rite up to 6pm for the student buffet.. i'm jus a glutton... eating for practically the whole day.. hee! jap food's good! but i din get to taste my favourite sashimi.. oh well.. soon soon!

interesting note of the day.. while jasc was tearing parking coupons, me and yongling were standing by the road.. dunno wat's the name of the road but it sure is an iteresting stretch! saw a grey beetle car and a off-white beetle car, a cutely-shaped golden tibs taxi.. a funny-looking(but according to yongling it's nice) jarguar.. all of which i've never seen before.. saw michelle sarem talking on hp outside wheelock.. my my, she's so slim and toned! haha... i sound abit sua ku here wor.. *hehe*

new resolution: to meet up with friends i haven seen for a long long time..

Aimless freedom

the dreaded exams are finally over, though ending with such a difficult management accounting paper.. a heavy load off my shoulder, hence feeling floating.. hee.. but then again, the aimless feeling is here again.. nvm, i'll treat it as recuperating from the drained brained cells, tho i've not much to start with...

so after my last paper at 3pm, i came home to interact with my computer.. i haven been fully utilizing it for entertainment purposes for some time.. so, other than updating and adding some features to my blog, i checked my emails, friendster, chat with friends on icq and msn at the same time..

a note to my so considered boring after-exam activity jus sitting in front of the monitor and get fat.. i was happily adding the cute little icons to the headings on the left.. when i was 99% done with the 'masterpiece' i cleverly/accidentally/watsoeva clicked on the 'clear edits' button! so my hours of work looking for pictures and icons were wasted.. i had to do it all over again.. which explains why i'm still here during this time of the day.. nevertheless a mild sense of satisfaction was my credit for hurting my wrists, eyes and back..

Take the ICQuiz!

keLLy's wEddiNg diNNeR

the first ever fren's wedding dinner i attended.. at Excelsior Hotel River City Restaurant.. the surge of excitement, perplexity and joyfulness accompanied me on this saturday evening.. a breaki from the half week non-stop mugging for exams.. to paint my nails, decide what to wear, dolling up for thedinner hehz..

met up with yonghui at city hall mrt station before proceeding to the hotel, it was a joyous occasion! sat together with fellow qifa friends and sajc friends.. yonghui lexian & bf yvette & bf shuhui kok siong huixin and me.. realised that i wan the only one at the table who known the bride since p1.. not that i'm close to her but we've since kept in touch through annual new yr, bday and xmas greetings via snail mail.. it was a simple and pleasant friendship.. i was overwhelmed when i received the news of her marriage.. never would i have expected her out of so many other friends to be the first to settle down! was wondering why would she wan to get married so soon at the age of 20? wasn't she in nus arts?

my doubts were cleared of course.. she applied for deferment of studies for a year.. known her husband for 4 yrs and decided to settle down.. wow.. am very glad that she's so happy and in bliss now..

no, her wedding celebration did not inspire me to take this path.. not yet at least.. hehz.. there's still so many things i want to do, have to do, need to do.. erm.. most importantly.. he's not here yet.. harhar!

rite.. back to mugging..

oops... my hands are so itchy.. so i changed my layout again.. hurm... can somehow reflect how one is thinking eh.. after exams will expand on this webby.. link it to my homepage soon.. hee.. quite fun la.. to jus sit in front of the comp and figure out writing codes for websites..

a few more days to the start of exams and i don really feel anxious or least bit worried about it.. rather contrasting to the previous semester when i was busy mugging for it a week and a half before the exams.. can's explain this phenomenom but hopes things get better.. the lazy worms infesting my physical and mental being must be rid of asap.. immediately in fact.. hur~

went to expo for the mph book fair last saturday evening.. walked around quite abit most of the time head hung low.. (cos the books were all piled on the floor).. looking for books that catch my attention.. this year's stock was reduced.. not many books to search from.. bought 6 books costing me $30 bucks.. will haf a good time reading them man.. the book i'm currently reading the favours and fortunes of katie castle is 1 of the 6 i bought.. *smilez*

...pms is a good avenue to blame many things on.. temperamental, mood swings, laziness, procrastination, wateva u name it, they can be due to pms.. but it comes to a point where a line has to be drawn for taking pms for granted.. if there indeed exist present and post menstrual syndrome other than the proven pre menstrual syndrome, go ahead and claim that my outburst or abnormality of personality is the consequence of pms.. you save a dollar each day, u get a substantial amt in the future.. you travel a metre everyday, u'd cover a mile in time.. you collect each grain of sand and u get a heap of sand soon.. you tolerate something or someone.. u erupt with anger when things prolong or get out of hands..

even if the time of eruption may be caused by 'nature', it still erupted.. before blaming on other things or ppl.. why not count the number of times history repeated itself? if it wasn't a repeated doing, would it even haf erupted the last time when it was not personal faults? true, you can be used to the procrastination and abnormal punctuality.. but it does not mean you can take it for granted.. many times the urge of leaving or even slapping you rises.. but of cos i think it wasn't right to do so.. suppressed frustration can be fatal.. in the sense that trust can be lost.. i just dunno when.. obviously i don wish that to happen..

ranting to other ppl can assist in cooling myself down when impatience got the better of me during the waiting time (that includes vulgarities in addresses).. so i did.. i wouldn't want a burst blood vessel jus cos of waiting for you.. it wasn't the first time i ranted to him.. but it was the first time after a long long long time.. when i was waiting at the bstp.. i was thinking u could haf at least told me u gg to bathe, or u jus bathed.. or u haven leave house instead of leaving me to rush out since i was 15mins late only to end up waitiing for half hr b4 u said u were jus leaving house after i miss call u twice.. come to think of it.. i was glad i overslept on one of the days when we wanted to go study.. call me selfish or wat.. i really dunno how i'd haf reacted if i reached harbor front on time.. or earlier..

as for saturday.. i told ya if u don wan to go i'd go with my cousin.. like i said it may not be totally ur fault but i was pissed cos i could've asked my cousin along if this should happen. since u decide to go, my cousin said i'd haf company, she'll go on sunday.. end up i went alone to expo to buy my books.. plus i was damn tired.. din really sleep as well so i din think it was a gd excuse.. to say you want to meet and then not turning up except to come after i've bought the books.. u think one sorry can clear all stuff? hurm.. like i said, if it was the first time things happen, i wun be so angry.. jus tot i should say it all out..

it really isn't good feeling to haf to wait for someone.. the same person over and over again.. i can be used to ur laziness but i guess you should wake up ur idea as well.. it should occur to you that if when nobody bothers to be angry with ya that's the end man.. it gets extremely frustrating when ur actions dun speak of ur words.. well, perhaps you adopted the theory 'they are words only'.. i dunno.. i'm on the verge of giving up.. i still haf the strength to help but i jus dunno when i'll giv up.. i guess some things i mention will upset yo i'm seriously not sure.. how can i be sure of anything when you dun even put in the actions to prove it? how can i be sure of anything when i cant even know when you'll be punctual? one of the most basic value.. *shrugs*

i'm not saint, i make mistakes too.. i try to correct them and i mean it.. do you?

happy birthday to junming and benjamin wong!!

another monday has passed.. tuesday's here.. this means another day closer to exams.. *gosh* haven't settled down to mug, though i've been wanting to do that.. super duper inertia due to forces of emotional disorder.. call me crazy or wat.. i jus can't stand the mess on my table any longer so did a little tidying up.. dug out some stuff and kept pondering whether to dipose of them or to keep them a while longer for memo's sake.. decided to stacked them up nicely in a corner of my cupboard.. thanks goodness i still have space for those stuff.. actually they were stuff from jc days.. co-op days in fact.. brings back alot of memories.. good ones, bad ones... those times bitching around with fellow com members ever complaining some teachers.. slacking around using co-op stuff for personal uses.. hectic times juggling sch work and co-op events.. lousy times kena scolded by teachers, when students don't cooperate with you..

anyhow, it's nice doing some packing.. relieves stress too.. feels happier when things are in order.. this time round not bad lar.. pack table instead of cleaning toilet haha.. maybe pms bar.. was down with cramps in the morning dun even feel like moving a finger.. but took panadol and felt better so hands become itchy.. made a small pouch today too.. for wat i dunno.. jus feel like doing something with the extra cloth and needles and thread.. not beri pro but stil usable la.. hehz.. felt accomplished in another way.. completed my tutorial on time too!

am feeling so excited cos in a few hours' time i'm gg back to sajc for my fav lasi lemak!!! so long never go back.. wanna go back makan then study.. hurmmm jus got to now i've got lecture at 2pm.. still thinking whether i should go cos there might be tips.. shall see how bar.. glad i'll be meeting up with wanz jingz ben siva again so soon!! hehz..

...it's meaningless to hold on to someone who takes you for granted.. perhaps it's due to ur own fault that ignites this up-to-u-i'm-fine-with-anything-as-long-as-u-like-it behavior.. leaving everything to you, so that any consequence has to be due to the decision make as well.. i know it hurts to let go but if this is what it takes for the person to realise what has really gone wrong and to bear the consequences.. you have to do it.. anyway it is for your own good to take a step back and think carefully whether it's worth to continue carrying emotinal burdens.. if the person comes back then you decide whether to give it another shot.. if the person is gone for good, let it be.. grant the wish of looking for someone much much better..

single hood is bliss... (='v'=)

resurrection of long awaited sense of accomplishment acheived.. an end to the project, the start to continuing friendship..
i haven't been this jovial for a long long time.. already felt satisfied seeing my project report and cd-rom done nicely last night.. so much so that i din really bother about my finance quiz and tutorial today!
last night spent my time settling the report and ppt slides, deciding what to wear for presentation and blablabla miscelleneous.. all except touching on finance notes.. *oopsie* what the heck..
this morning woke up early after my wake up call.. reached school earlier than usual and did a small run through of our presentation.. it feels really good to see my groupmates.. our theme's white color.. hehz.. our attire, report file, cd cover all white.. *yipee~*
was excited, not nervous about our presentation.. it went through smoothly, i did not stutter or tremble with fear *hehz*, keeping within the given time limit of 20mins.. managed to squeeze in a short short skit.. it was the process that makes me glad.. feels so accomplished.. compensate for the ever-not-doing-tut-me.. *keke*
took pictures with other groups and our tutors after the whole thingy.. will post them up soon soon! guess the reason that brings me to cloud nine is when my tutor commented to us that he likes our ppt slides.. it's my baby!! did it in a day, searching for the background and pictures and doing all those animation.. my efforts paid off with his "good job" and a thumbs up.. *yoohoo!*
on a more serious note.. my groupmates compliment one another rather well. Vic's from science fac, good in language so edited our report, Paul's got a good knowledge of the company we're doing on, feeding us with tons of information, not to mention his knowledge in IT(okieokie he's from sch of computing).. WuZhe's from engineering, enriched us with his standardizing report and presentation skills which we gladly adopted, Yonghui being our artistic director coming up with the skit and settling our report and cd covers, me preparing the slides for our presentation.. these ppl are a bunch of crappy and fun yet serious when comes to work friends.. it's nice doing this project together.. *smilez*
if only my future projects are all like that.. although this one is on a small scale, it means much to me to have the sense of satisfaction seeing everything goes well at the end of the day.. okie, enough of ranting.. back to mugging!

mind-boggling how transition impinge on each and every one of us.. somedays, somethings we jus dun wish to remember.. what constitutes not remembering? how can i possibly forget everything in the blink of an eye?
i just opt to ignore it..
i just conclude there's more things worth my attention..
i just assume i won't see you again.. tho i don't want it to be so..
presumingly after what happened you never wan to have anything to do with me eh..
i do not even understand why do tears fell for you.. and they are still falling because of you..
i'm puzzled at my words and actions..
as much as i told myself you are like that and i've no right whatsoever to interfere, plus perceptibly i'm inferior to whoever, i still break down..
"chuandabee, why you always do the same thing everytime?"
gosh.. i wish i know why.. you walk into my life and want to leave and i'm not ready for you to do so perhaps..
i do remember your words and actions..
"are you very sian?"
"are you okay with our pace of walking? are we walking too fast?"
"is it xin ku for you to sit like that?"
pulling me away from someone i'm blocking, offering to carry my bag and you did..
"how can i not care when i knew how you feeling, you think my heart made of steel ar.."
"if even for a second you feel alone remember i'll always be here for you.."
dunno why but i feel diffident when you hold on to me.. just that split second i was pleased..
come to think of it, you'd have done it if it's her.. anyone else right? i can't believe i'm so naive..
was it just another test of your charm? congrats, you passed with flying colors..
you picked an easy test paper..
i deleted your number from my phone memory.. whether it was on purpose i'm not sure..
what the hell, the number's still in my head, i just realised.. wtf..
maybe it was meant to be? for wateva fucking sake she's my friend.. thanks for allowing me to learn another lesson..

to my friends, i felt despondent causing you to feel or think the way you did..
it wasn't premeditated definitely..
in due course it was my fault for asking you out..
we should have all stayed bloody at home watching tv munching goodies study till giddy..
then so many things wun happen to us..
having said that.. guys are just bastards right.. okieokie, most of them.. er, some of them??
let's all study okie..
"always look forward to after the exams.."
sounds familiar? hehz.. after the exams we'll shop, sing, party all day and night!
erm.. of cos must work and go work out!

puiee, jiayou jiayou jiayou faster catch up with ya work.. then can go venture on your greener pastures! *winkz*

yongaling, come join us study group! dun be bothered with them now, they're not worth it.. yet.. =)

qian, i'll join ya in trying to work out but end up saying 'damn it, so tiring, i dun wan le!' after the exams k! heez..

ian, time is everything.. it does many things.. the possibles and the deemed impossibles.. believe in yourself.. friendship's important.. that's what i think..

jing, wan, shu, inez, siva, meet up soon again! had a fun time catching up with ya peepz during nez's bday!!! all the best for exams!

nel, so long yo've been 'in' your life.. take care of yourself okie! study study hard hard too! keke..

wonder why is this so.. everytime i wanna blog.. decided to blog, i'll be stuck... when previously thoughts are flooding the passages of my already-not-so-gd-brain.. damn it..

13 march 2004 saturday
Virgo(August 23 - September 22)
Your dilemma today is the struggle between the large and the small. Normally, you gravitate in the direction of the small. Virgos like to focus on details. But now the Moon in Sagittarius is encouraging you to express your largest needs and your most grandiose desires. Of course, you won't do this. You might hold in everything that you think is inappropriate, but if you do, there is an emotional price to pay. Try to find a way to gently express your desires, even if you have to intellectualize them to make yourself feel safer.

14 march 2004 sunday
Virgo(August 23 - September 22)
It may be a challenge for you today as your feelings get mixed into you thoughts. Even if you try to stay on the logical side of your brain, you cannot. As you try to share what's on your mind, deep emotions will be brought to the surface and will color what you say and how others will react. Take all aspects of communication slowly. You have more time than you realize. Be careful and get it right from the start or you'll be learning from your mistakes soon enough.

15 march 2004 monday
Virgo(August 23 - September 22)
Your planet, Mercury, is forming a tense aspect with Saturn-the-Tester. You are likely to feel resistance to what you say and this can make you rethink your current position on an important matter. But the resistance doesn't need to come from the outside. You could be your own harshest critic now. Too harsh. Although your ideas may be well thought out, you still could be hesitant to share them because you are afraid of having them rejected.

i know i've said this before.. this is freaking me out.. things are just so accurate.. i mean these tarot horoscope stuff.. at the moment i feel as if something within me (perhaps the volcano) is erupting..

10 march 2003 wednesday
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
You Virgos take great pride in your ability to analyze a situation with your practical form of logic. And you can get quite uncomfortable when your thought process is not performing up to your required level of efficiency. Today may be cause for some concern, for your brain is picking up a radio station that you don't usually hear. The thoughts that are now playing in your mind sound familiar in a strange way. And, no matter how hard you try, you cannot tune out this station. This, needless to say, makes you uneasy. Don't waste energy trying to figure it out. Just listen and learn.

have you ever yearn to be loved, to be taken care of, to be showered with much care and concern?
have you ever wish to be given gifts, to have someone there for you whenever you need, to be pampered with pleasant words?
have you ever wonder why are you willing to give up something or someone for another? to have to make choices, doesn't matter right or wrong ones..
have you ever hope for someone to treat you like a princess, to spoil you yet dowsn't leave you?
want to have a shoulder for you to cry on, someone for you to be childih to at times, to be unreasonable and wicked sometimes, yet that person believes you no matter wat, dun mind wat you did?
want to find someone whereby list of positive characteristics is inexhaustive?
dream on ar... how to find someone like that?
bottom line, i do wish to be pampered and spoilt.. just once is enough.. haven't really 'taste' how is it like to have someone like that for me.. jus someone.. doesn't have to be bf i think.. jus someone.. who puts up with my nonsense just his once.. *hur~* sounds desperate? no... i need an escape route.. since my original route was exposed.. damn..

monday blues.. i dun haf them today... yeah! though i was abit put off by the everlasting rain.. cant make my way to school for my discussion.. nonetheless i completed my mgt accounting tutorial! which is like so so rare.. a sense of accomplishment sets in... *victory sign* but then monday oso means i gotta cook dinner!!! arh.. dunno wat to cook.. just opened my fridge and find almost nothing to cook.. so means gotta make a trip down to the supermarket.. but the rain hasn't stop!! *grumbles*

5 march 2003 friday
Virgo(August 23 - September 22)
Your love life is about to take a turn for the better. Both the Moon and Venus are giving you harmonious support now, so it's a good idea to make the most of it. You might feel more adventurous in love, but you'll do it in your typically cautious Virgo manner. This isn't about moving to fast; it's about being open to love and moving at just the right speed. You are more emotional than usual, but in practical kind of way. Trust your feelings -- even if they are still in flux.

wanna blog cos sth happened today.. was having my finance tutorial when it started to rain.. initially wanted to get my ass home before gg out again to meet up with 86 friends for dinner.. so my plan can't be followed through due to the irritating rain.. so i went to the computer lab rot awhile.. occassionally looking out of the window to see if the rain has stopped.. to my dismay, it only got heavier *sulk*

finally, i couldn't take it any longer cos i wanna go home! *boohoo* decided to jus try my luck to see if i meet anyone i noe who happens to carry an umbrella. again, no, i din meet anyone i know.. jus as i was prepared to walk in the rain to the bstp outside sch.. the rain stopped.. so darn freaky!!! was mumbling to myself it better not rain til i reach the bstp.. better still, til i reach home.. so i walk fast fast to the bstp.. on my way, abt halfway lar.. saw this huge lightning in front of me!!! okieokie.. not exactly in front of me but close enough to scare the hell out of me.. together with the deafening thunder.. wah biangz! so close i can see the tiny tiny 'roots' from the main lightning.. *argh* at the same point of time a flock of birds flew away from a tree suddenly.. think they kena scared by the lightning and thunder oso.. *hur~*

and so to continue.. it started to drizzle when i reach the bstp!!! wow.. perhaps there's really someone up there listening to my mumbles.. *fwah* then when i reach my bstp.. the rain stopped again!!!!! so i walked the little distance to my lift and pressed arrow 'up'.. usually only one of the two lifts come down lar but this time both came down.. i took the left side lift cos nearer to my flat lar.. so the lift door opened, nobody inside.. i stpped in, ready to press the button for 12 floor.. to my horror, the 12th storey button was already lit.. who the hell pressed it? *scratch head* was totally freaked out by all these events that happened within a short span of about an hour.. eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee... *shudders*

baaaaaaa... what the hell am i doing here at this time of the day??? cos ppl.. i did not sleep.. not even a wink from previous nite.. jus had a bath and i'm off to pasir ris for my social visit for my term assignment at 830am! wow.. how can i do it man? i'm impressed by myself.. gosh.. it's been such a long long time since i enjoyed myself so much.. heck care if i'm a bitch.. i mean it's not as if my arse will be stuck forever there or i'm darn fucked up with those ppl.. dun mind my language. the alcohol's stil in me.. now i noe wat my frens' are talking about how drinking can let free them worries for the time being.. all those drinking and dancing and singing really brings me much fun.. of cos i wun be doing this again.. *cross fingers* i guess ppl owas haf their first time? jus let my hair down.. i mean the whole bunch of my hair jus going bonkers in the ktv with them.. they're fun ppl.. jus haf to take care of myself lar.. not drinking too much lo..
anyway mainly hear jeff sing only lar.. and the boss of the ktv.. forgot the name tho.. my my, they can really sing well! heard a couple of others(eugene's squad-mates & frens) sing too.. listen liao i dun dare sing harharz.. simply cos they're too good.. *fwah* erm.. okie lar.. mayb cos i wasn't paying attention to the singing.. haha.. of cos there'll b a little spoiler in all fun but well, still alrite with me yep.. no problem man.. he's gg back to australia so so soon.. so i wun be so havoc le.. no chance too anyway.. haiz..
once in a while interesting happen to you not bad lar.. u get to haf fun.. learn.. know more ppl and etc.. someitmes being uptight all the while oso beri tough.. let ya hair down.. enjoy and haf fun that's it man.. that's should be it since you're still young. how much fun and freedom can you experience when you're age 40? even 30 wor.. youth is here and i dun wan to waste it.. try many things i haven't tried before.. of cos no need try every single thing lar.. jus some of them.. enuff for me.. anyone and everyone can do it.. as long as we know how to take good care of ourselves.. self discipline.. yeap..

28 feb 2003 Saturday
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Your no-nonsense attitude can now come in handy as you keep your shoulder to the wheel. Do the best you can with each of the current tasks at hand. Even though you can get overwhelmed when there's too much on your plate, there is also a part of you that enjoys having too much to do. Of course, you probably would never admit it. You'd rather keep the smokescreen of illusion wrapped around your life.

27 feb 2003 Friday
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
You could be feeling nervous and high-strung now, like the neurons in your brain are stretched tightly and every thought you have makes them all resonate like the strings on a piano. If you could only get them all to be in tune, then you'd feel much better. The good news is that your planet, Mercury, is downloading the brilliance of Uranus today. But it's not just about intellect. Your thoughts are also being powered by deeply-rooted emotions. Rational ideas and irrational feelings are combining as intuition, which will help you find new solutions to old problems.

it's freaky how this tarot horroscope thingy is so darn accurate.. *shudders*

25 feb 2003 Wednesday
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Recently, the relationship axis has been somewhat of a challenge for you. It still is, but you now have serious Saturn acting as your guardian angel. He is making sure that you don't go off the tracks. This is a good time to reel yourself in and to tow the party line. It's not about giving up your power for survival. It's about learning to work with the group process. If you can cooperate, rewards will surely follow.

23 feb 2003 Monday
Virgo(August 23 - September 22)
You've stepped out onto the high wire and everyone is watching to see if you'll be able to keep your balance and make it across to the other side. It's a delicate situation and your concentration -- or lack of it -- will determine how well you do. As if this wasn't enough of a challenge, unknown forces are shaking the very wire you are walking upon. Too much self-control can make you stiff. Loosen up, stay focused and breathe deeply. You'll make it across just like the champion you'd like to be.

24 feb 2003 Tuesday
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
You won't escape from the diffusion of energy that many others are also feeling now. It may be difficult for you to stay focused -- something you normally can do quite well. Nervous energy has put you on edge and can still get the best of you as your thoughts run all over the map, without specific direction or purpose. You might try to pull them in, but it will probably be a losing battle. Sit back and enjoy your own mental show, even if it feels confusing or debilitating. Your focus will return, but not until late in the day or even tomorrow.

things that happened.. parts and puzzles of life.. apparently shelving them is the most appropriate avenue.. at least for the time being.. obviously i know this is not the ultimate solution but i don't wish for a reckless decision.. there are so many things i knew, that i know.. even more i want to know...

i dun even think you'll read this but what the heck.. precisely then i dun feel restricted maybe? i couldn't remember exact details of our conversation but i'm sure i meant every word.. as much as i wish to know what did we talk about exactly, i dun dare to ask.. erm, i barely noe you.. that's true but dunno why things are going the way things are going.. it's not as if i didn't try putting things off my mind permanently.. it's hard but i tot i could do it.. maybe i'm not that capable when it comes to this eh.. of course i do not want to let ppl have the wrong idea.. i can speak to anyone, no doubt but ultimately eh.. whether i think the things are worth saying or doing is up to myself.. actually i do hope if there's any doubts please clarify from me.. i din think i told them everything and anything.. gosh, wat's wrong with me?? never ever have i been like that... if i could be happy seeing you, talking to you only in my dreams.. i'll rather not wake up.. at least i wun be upset.. *selfish me hur~* i feel so so -urgh- when i see somethings u did.. feel so glad u talked to me, so glad u were there.. (mayb that's y i'm there? i dunno) it's not your fault, seriously.. i jus dunno wat's got into me.. hope you are not freaked out.. it's so unbelievable lor.. i feel really different.. as in, like wat u sad.. very comfortable.. yes.. hurm.. i choose to trust you.. though apparently there are much external disagreement to that..

i cant take another disapperance act.. i think lar.. not sure too... wat the hell.. *screams*

it's been some time since i have the whole day all to myself.. slacking.. oh well, if i haven't fall sick i guess i wun be at home at all.. hehz.. so well, thanks to the flu bug i get to stay home today.. farni though in stead of recuperating comfortably in my bed.. i just had the desire to bake some cookies.. so yep.. i did that.. tried out sth new though.. never try adding almonds before.. so this is my first time.. wun say it sucks but there's much room for improvement.. haha.. see who's so 'lucky' to be my guinea pig!!

after my cookies i was rather bored.. actually it's jus that i refuse to touch my tut and readings... so i ended up preparing dinner for my family! harhar.. dunno wat the hell got into me.. jus wan to cook lar.. so we had fried fish, long beans with carrots and mushroom-egg soup for dinner! haha.. only after that i'm satisfied.. then start to worrie abt my ever piling tutorials!! argh... *grrrr*

and wat am i doing now?? blogging~! listening to some dancing music.. my sis borrowed from her classmate.. did i mention before she loves techno? wow.. haha.. since the age of like 9? yar.. whenever she sees tv ads featuring techno cds she'll comment that she likes them, want to buy.. hur~

gosh.. the thought of that stack of tutorials on my desk's revolting...

anywaez.. should say i enjoyed my weekends.. saturday did not start out well i'd say.. due to the quarrels and serious lack of sleep for 3 consecutive days before v-day... yep.. so my sleepy bugs got the better of me. slept all the way til 1.30pm when i'm supposed to reach amk like 2pm!! if he hadn't called, that's it.. think i'll sleep til the evening.. anyway, we went to ktv around 6pm.. with his frens richard kenny paul weihua evelyn.. gosh! richard sings like aaron kwok!!! was stunned when i heard him sing his first song.. yep.. they were pretty nice ktv kakis! singing all those duets and farni farni songs... while the gang continues singing, we went for dinner at tonkichi.. there was so much food!! i couldn't finish lar, but the food's damn nice! it was nice of him to remember i love jap food and more imptly sashimi!! was very xin tong he spent so much.. heng i warned and insisted i dun wan any flowers on that day cos it's so so damn expensive.. later on then i realised he wanted to get flowers but scared i angry since i insisted on not having one.. haha.. which was true.. good boy..

after dinner met up with his frens again.. rite.. kenny's good looking.. bballer, 21 yrs old.. hehz.. ar.. din dare tell him that kenny's quite shuai.. so i jus keep quiet.. barely spoke to him lor.. haiz.. *grinz* nvm, sure got chance see him again.. they may be gg this sat too! hur~

met up with yongling ian qianyu nellie yewkum around 11pm.. too bad i missed out the fun at newsroom bar.. nevermind.. gg chiong this coming sat!! yipee~!

then on sunday, went to his place.. it was planned, according to him.. cos his father brought back my fav cod fish, so he ask me to join his family for dinner.. it was sweet of him to cook one of my fav dish for me! =) was feeling rather paiseh cos his aunt and grandma were there too.. other than his parents, sis and bf, bro and younger sis.. like wow, so many ppl.. was very happy to spend my weekend this way since i only get to see him for less than 48 hours per week..

however.. i'm going to be screwed by my boss for missing my job without valid reason.. shucks.. gone case.. damn.. dunno wat to do now.. *dilema* i'm apologetic, no doubt about that.. it's just alright, in a way i'm ashamed of myself for doing this but i can't bear to spoil his plans esp when it was rather rare for him to put in so much effort.. oh no..

right.. time to go back mugging.. guess i'll need coffee... *sulk*

grrrreat... the caffine's taking effect.. can't get to sleep after an ice mocha vanilla at coffee club in Holland V... decided to pop over and have a chat with yongling and hansheng.. gosh.. haven talked to hansheng since he came back from australia.. felt rather bad about it.. yet can't help it cos of the many many things i've got to settle.. haiz.. nevertheless, had a really good talk with them.. not forgeting the suaning and discussion about chio bus and shuai ges... muahahahah... din want to leave but have to.. cos haven do tmr's tut.. some more got finance test tmr so.. *pulls hair*

hehz.. i hate growing up... as much as i hate it, i look forward to the challenges and new things i can do.. harhar.. erm.. not sure how to say but bobian lar.. just have to deal with it.. changes changes changes.. inevitable aren't they? hee~ currently i'm not the person i expected to be.. what i do and how i think can be appalling to myself.. and it's getting more often as the days go by..

happy together somehow can't be the only thing that causes it to survive.. i mean i start to think why am i wasting my time here dwelling over the fact that dead end is coming, just dunno when.. not that i just had this feeling today.. it's more of an attempt to organise my thoughts bar.. *nods head* conveying of message(s) is necessary.. there has to be progress.. i dun wan to be doing round abouts or remain stagnant. perhaps we're all busy thus resulting in postponing of this issue.. harhar.. or maybe jus no one wants to work on it or do something about it.. think it's not the latter.. well, i dunno wat the heck i'm crapping again.. blablabla..

okie.. i've decided on wat to do... *humph*

sOlitaRy rEtReAt fRoM bEwiLdErmENt
iNtEntiOn oF cEaSiNG cOntEntmEnt
muLLiNg oVeR tHE uNSpOkEn
oBsTinAcY coNStiTutEs mY oPiNIoNs
nEvEr tO diMiNiSh yOUr hAppInEss bUT
oPpOsitiOn iS gAiNiNg aTtRaCtiVenEss
oVeR hErE iT gEtS sUfFocAtiNg
i woNdEr whEtHEr yOUr aTtiTudEs' mAtChiNG...

what the heck.. i'm supposed to be doing my tutorial for tmr morning.. but jus can't seem to concentrate on my readings.. no, i'm not tired.. perfectly awake in fact.. just had a refreshing bath half hour ago.. *hiakz* maybe cos much things are running through my mind.. that's why i can't help but to spit out some stirring opinions of mine.. harhar.. alrite.. maybe they are not so disturbing afterall.. it's just me lar.. *shrugs*

feburary is here wor.. time to put new year resolution(s) into action! i am flawlessly certain that this year will be a better one for you.. of course need that effort of yours lar.. hehz.. dun think i'm nagging wor.. maybe cos abit worried lar.. and yes.. think of those interesting GEs! dun wan to put them back rite!? okieokie.. dun wan to be lawso lar.. all the best yep.. be good ger.. =) jiayou jiayou for 7th and 8th feb! *thumbs up*

sometimes i can't help but wonder what the hell is going on in your mind.. if what i say sounds enraged.. pls dun mind me.. the antagonism is unintended.. probably if nothing from both sides is known.. or my ignorance of either party in fact is present.. things wouldn't be like what it is to me? i dunno.. confusion lingers and is dreading.. someone pls wake up?!?! how come it seems to me that the outcome will be awful? once again, this is solely my thoughts.. shoot me dead if u wan lar.. harhar.. hurm, anyhow, where has the realisation of over-doings gone to? is it so gruelling to come around? being oblivious to the situation is definitely not a recommended dealing.. for the very very first time.. i agree to the statement made by a dear fren.. "there's no such thing as you dunno, it's whether you want to do it or not..." this entanglement is becoming complex as the day goes.. or is it not? *ponders* you may let things be, take pleasure from the doings.. and you on the other hand continues to be unware(consciously i believe) of the consequences.. as a bystander, i am in no position to stop either one of you.. go ahead.. i couldn't care more.. just a note of concern here.. what the ... someone tell me about helplessness.. *diaoonz*