i'm not happy.. not happy at all.. in fact.. i'm pissed.. for whatever reasons..

i already told you i'm playing..
yeah i know.. i told you i'm cheonging, i told you i'm ktving til 3/4am but you'll stil not be happy rite? i know the revenge is rather impt in your case from what i see the other day. great.. so i have no reason to be unhappy..

i can't go home..
alright.. it sounds abit ridiculous but i'll give it a pass.. since it's not you at all to refuse or walk away.. it's not you to say no. it's not me to stay home on wed nites, it's not me to insist on gg home after ktv instead of staying til morning.. but i did. cos everything i do now there's another person to consider.. and the person is you..

you.. and it's not a politically rite ans..
mahjong or me? you or me? tell me it's me when you are playing.. yeah. lose money so must continue playing.. i have nothing to say. another reason to my being unreasonable to be unhappy..

fine.. i wont play..
you are unhappy.. you are exasperated.. i am too. to tell the truth i din think you'll stop playing.. so i din take tt msg seriously.. if i apply this to you as a person, mayb there won't be so much unhappiness? i don't know..

i know. i'll never understand cos i'm a FEMALE.. it's the last week you can play so you should play. applying the theory of balance, i should play too.. did i get it right this time?

there are things silently put aside or away for the fear of guilt and pressure. don't understand? since i have to sms 'call me' to receive one from you.. i'm unhappy. i'm afraid you'll be unhappy so i did not club, i did not spend like nobody's business.. i want to be with you on xmas eve so i gave all the gatherings a miss.. no matter how much you ask me to enjoy myself, to go, i know you'll be unhappy so i stayed.. and seriously i was not bored.

yeah, it's your life la.. i can't and am not supposed to interfere.. it's not easy to meet a person who can make me change for the better. now i'm starting to think twice..

i've had enough. there's no reason to be unhappy ain't it so? as you wish..

i'm still unhappy though i've ranted.. i don't feel good at all.. my heart aches.. and you are the first one to make it ache so bad..

school's starting soon.. all the more i treasure the times.. and maybe want more of it.. not good? not healthy? maybe..

selfish bitch..

i din want to disappear but i din know what to say.. and i was too stubborn to agree with your words.. and it din really matter anymore mayb? i can stil go anywhere i wan to.. do whatever i wan alone.. it's supposed to be better this way ain't it? aiya whateva la.. i dunno..

we're ultimately different. i can't be a guy.. neither can you be a ger..

i heard what she says and what he says.. there's sure alot of work to be done for them.. hope they can sort it out.. their stories can be scary at times.. *phew*

drink smoke gamble flirt.. every single guy sure does one of the four.. i give up..

it's always nice to meet up with old friends.. he sounds happier to me.. with those interesting experiences in camp.. glad that he has much more to share now.. hee.. i won't forget my treat.. you know you know??

aiyo but somehow i feel he'll somehow find a way to not do it.. haiz.. hope not ba..

today's trip to taka for dim sum's abit dreading.. the bus ride's super duper long!! i know i like bus rides.. but not when it's stuck in orchard for abt half hour!! in the middle of the day somemore!! haiz.. stupid trafic!!!

gg out with him and fren is okie.. quite entertaining.. or is it i'm 'laughy' today? ha.. just a little off tho.. i dunno how to explain.. but i sure enjoyed the company..

i met a quite fucked up guy today.. on the bus on my way home..

you know sometimes it feels kind of irritating when you feel the body heat from the person next to you especially from the arms and thighs?

i felt that way just now.. so i moved inwards towards the windows.. so that the contact is minimised..

less than 3 mins later his arm is in contact with mine again.. thighs too.. *pui!*

so i figited, you know, the kind of trying-to-show-you-are-unhappy-and wants-more-space-no-contact actions.. i even stared and diaoed him.. he responded by adjusting his position a little..

but once again the same thing happened after less than 3 mins.. fuck it! i'm like literally glued to the windows le.. for goodness sake the guy's pretty scrawny so there's no reason he's too big sized for the seat..

so i'm pissed off though he may not do it on purpose.. i said "can you fucking please sit properly?" without the 'fucking'..

then i called my dear and chat on the phone.. then the guy went off..

this is not the first time i met such fucking idiots and i SERIOUSLY hate them.. bastards..

day dreaming can sometimes be intriguing..

despite the slump it brings to realise our mundane life..

i want my condo, bmw, super kitchen with full set utensils..
i want my ass to become smaller my hair to grow thicker..
i want my holiday villa with a fantastic sea view..
i want my own family, a capable husband, hunky son and drop dead gorgeous daughter..

*slap* wake up...

my favourite day of the year is here! hee..

my dear became my part time maid today..
i'm touched.. *winkz*
i can't say enough.. love ya!

it's a blessing to be able to depend on someone..

while i'm still remorseful over the loss of smses in my nokia hp due to my stupidity on wed nite.. hur~

i'm pretty disturbed by what happened..

why is the person i see not you when i open the door?
why is he the one bringing me vcds for my grandma?
why is he the one who visited me when i'm not feeling well?
why is he the one who would look for me no matter what time and where he is as long as i want to?
why did he give up so many things just for me?
he did all the things i'd loved you to though i did not expect them from you..

so is it his fault? maybe without him i will not be disturbed.. just a teeny weeny bit disappointed?

influence? maybe.. even my pr sch buddy asked 'you not feeling well, where is he?'
when i asked where was he when his girl fall sick, 'walau.. of cos go find her la! then see how go see doc or jus take care of her..'
okie, i have nothing to say.. even more so when he offered to visit me and get me something light to eat..

which brings me to a point.. i feel so loved by my friends.. my girls are there whenever i'm happy or sad, when i'm overwhelmed with complaints or excitement.. i'm sure jasc and qian will be ALWAYS there.. yihui will always be my last buffer.. wanz who shared some memorable times with me in sajc.. jing eveready for little chats and dvds.. sharing her talent with us.. bin never refuses to lend a helping hand..
sean da pig for me to talk to, listen to, scream at, beat or bite, cry and whine to.. even if he don't mean it, the little gestures are much appreciated.. ah bing's ever such a nice senior to talk to about everything.. my sisters gouweewee and matt since almost 10 years ago.. not forgetting my good son for being my chauffuer without second thoughts.. and my brother in australia with his frequent regards..

am blessed with my beloved.. i should be contented.. thou shall compromise.. x_x

haiz, maybe it's just me eh.. i'm sick of jioing ppl out le.. as in you know.. that kind of og or class gathering..

it feels i'm not appreciated at all..

'so who's gg? huh, these ppl not very fun ba, can't get other ppl then i reconsider le wor..'

great.. go ahead la.. cancel it.. you go tell the rest they are not fun enough.. i counldn't care less..

i'll most prob get immune to tis kind of rubbish? oh. so is that your plot? bitch..

it's only a thin line between being nice and rude..

ppl who really know me knows i hate being 'pang sehed' especially last minute..

and you jolly well stay away from me when you repeat this more than 3 times..

i don't care what your boy is trying to do to stop you from going clubbing with us. if you know he WON'T let you go in the first place then don't ask me to jio my friends and telling me 'oh, i don't think i'm gg le, actually i'm glad he don't let me go'..

yes.. you are glad.. i don't care.. just don't do this last minute thing again.. i donno how much more of this i can take..

haaa~ finally my first contribution to the js forum when the sem's just about to end on saturday afternoon.. damn.. i feel so lazy and reluctant to study for js.. one question 2 hrs.. what the hell is this man?? argh.. so what if it's open book? dunno how to use the info oso no use! argh.. great.. a whole load of stuff to read still.. that's it..

to hear countless narrations, her heart throbs
to sniff his fatal warmth, her being jolts
to see many hearts broken, hers freezes
to touch another's soul, she dares not

come taste her tears of anguish and vengeance..

lack in candor as evidence shows
thus a path down brutality grows
in wilderness that unleashed her pursue
to beseech a knight subduing the unmoved

a tinge of faith lingers despite preceding mutilations..

to gather verification, mortality fades
to sense his lethal breath, indifference surfaces
to look at her heart fall into pieces, insanity fuels
to handle another's emotions, her courage's slayed

come savor the wrecked, of ruins and demise..

有時當愛情來的時候我們都不知到。。。
但當它走了以後你卻能確定它曾經存在過。。。

i'm so behind time for revision.. doubt i'm gg to finish.. but then again it's been like this since year 1.. hur~

only this time other than my slacking contributing to lag in revision, there are other stuff gg on.. what to do? this is life.. *brrrrrrrrrr*

good luck..

heard from my friends it's a very touching scene to witness rom..
din noe exactly how it feels til i witness one myself..
and it's really like what they say.. you'll feel like getting married too..
*silly grinz*

the whole atmosphere, watching them take their vows, the overwhelming emotions through their expressions and words.. signing of cert, exchanging rings, a simple kiss.. if only marriage really is so simple.. *shrugs*

another of my nonsense today..
and i'm glad you stayed..
such a lucky bitch..

having something and losing it is such a painful process.. the fear of losing already can be tormenting.. perhaps not having it at all is a blessing afterall?

Compare - To examine the character or qualities of two or more persons or things, for the purpose of discovering their resemblances or differences...

comparisons may take into considerations of discriminating factor.. it's inevitable i guess.. the infiltration of evil thoughts is apalling.. the rising demands are uninviting..

somehow knowledge instigates unethical thoughts or even practices.. only subtle words appear in the theories.. actions speak louder than words but not of the words unfortunately..

there are no friends forever, only common interests for a long term, a friend quoted.. something that caught my attention.. a fact in many aspects most do not want to admit but subconsciously or eventually adopt..

a friend once told me his uni friends change.. i used to detest the changes but on second thoughts, the only thing that is constant is change.. the question thing is why are the changes showing uglier faces.. i hope he's getting on fine in uni now..

of course this is not an absolute case.. and i do hope i'll not become a cold-blooded animal to maximise the benefits of my existence.. actually, i'm sure i won't.. but then again, will i? tell me about contradiction..

an avenue to vent my frustrations..
a prevention from intellectual death of thought provoking clots up my veins..
an escape from struggling debate..
a sudden urge to rectify persisting cynicism..

a repeated course more common lately..

i'm stressed.. exams? nope.. not yet..
i think too much.. living? consolation of functioning brain at least to me..

i think i'm in the 'end-of-sem' crisis.. i dunno if this is stress or wat.. i don't think so.. i dunno la.. argh.. i feel sort of lost..

not depressed.. i'm happie.. maybe not contented? i like to study.. but not mug for exams.. i dun like the feeling of not doing well after i mug for it.. maybe that's y i dun really bother to mug? i'm happie as long as i dun fail.. sounds so mei2 zhi4 qi4 hor.. aiya.. i hate being competitive in results la.. makes studying so dull and uninteresting..
but then come to think of it i'm competitive in presentations.. er.. some presentations.. shite.. i oso dunno wat rubbish i'm saying here.. rant rant and rant..

exams are coming.. presentations are coming.. and i'm still here slacking.. thinking abt all the things i'm gonna do after exams.. can't stand myself.. i noe.. should start mugging le rite? see my point.. i'm okie with not sleeping and not eating for my presentations.. but how silly? stubborn bee jus refuses to settle down to mug.. *PUI~!*

kind of quite scary when i think of having a routine life.. as in u noe.. wake up, work, go home, housework, sleep then wake up, work... weekends for rest and leisure.. come to think of it i'm uncertain if i want this kind of life.. but then again i dun really have much choice? erm.. or do i? if i'm saying this then i should do wat i want to make my life not so routine and boring rite? argh... *scratch head*

damn.. i haven feel this way for a long time.. i wonder why.. i dun like my parents but i can't walk out on them.. i dun like my home but i just have to live in it.. damn, i should have listened to my uncle and move to hostel last year.. haha.. or listen to my aunt and move in with her..*diaoonz* haiz but everything happens for a reason i guess? *shrugs*

anyhow.. i jus found out something new about myself.. this morning i woke up feeling lost so i decided to try cooking something i haven really tried before.. guess what? i enjoyed it so much i forgot about time and ended up late for lecture! haha and poor thing he has to be my guinea pig haha.. i really enjoy experimenting in the kitchen.. kind of allow me to forget about my insecurities, worries blabla.. u noe.. the process of mix and match.. tasting.. anticipating the results.. fail then try again next time.. sucessful then work on it to improve.. if only i can bring this to reality? aiyoyo..

going all cranky and stuff.. i'm missing him so much it scares me.. i'm afraid i'm not good enough.. he'll say i'm silly, siao, 'sot'.. wateva.. i still wan to say.. i'm selfish.. i want him with me.. can never have enough.. it's amazing time flashes by.. i'm going mad.. sometimes i wanna cry i can't believe myself.. i amuse myself when i start whining.. but it's normal according to him.. erm.. and of cos i dun wan to lose my friends.. i'm not 'heavy color light friend'..

should stop all these.. it's not healthy.. and i'm getting fat.. shite..

i thought ms tut today was pretty interesting.. i didn't fall asleep during it!

let's play a game..
there's 3 doors, behind 1 of it there's a car and the 2 two a goat..
you can choose one 1 after which i'll open 1 of the remaining 2 doors to reveal 1 goat..
you can then make a choice of staying with your choice or switching to the other closed door..
what decision will you make?

this is actually an IQ qn.. and it's better to switch your choice of door.. reson being the probability of getting the car if you swtich your choice is twice the probability of winning should you stick to your first choice..

interesting huh? and the logic? i'm convinced.. so if i have a chance to be in this scenario mayb i'll switch my choice~! *keke*

so this is it that kept me from sleeping this afternoon!

anyhow.. had my mm-airpork case presentation this morning.. dragged myself out of bed 630am.. reached sch at 8am to rehearse..
well, it paid off..
prof says our presentation is interesting and he likes it..
the class participated.. they all ate the breaded pork chop yh's mum prepared..
prof finished the remaining pork chops!
andrew asks for a copy of our slides(my baby~!) cos he says it's nice..
ha, that's abt all.. can't stop being so high though i'm actually dead beat..

now.. the hell weeks jus started.. 1 paper 2 project reports 3 presentations..
2 presenattions on the same day one after another in week 12.. *oh man*
wish me luck..

i'm so looking forward to after exams.. i want more than a million weeks!!! much much much much more... *hee*

the next time i decide to attend my js lecture.. i shall think twice.. think 3 times 4 times 5 times.. cos it's darn boring.. i can get everything from the slides and readings..so no point attending rite? *nods head*

anyhow lecture was about departmental stores and food marketing in japan.. abit about the gift-giving culture of the japs.. there's this example abt a woman choosing to buy a very famous brand of cookies from a well known place instead of baking them herself for her teacher during the last lesson.. reason being buying something well known by all is a way of showing respect for the teacher, how much one value the relationship.. the gift-giving thingy must also be known by third parties..

oh well, jus when i thought gift-giving is all about 'it's the thought that counts'.. i'm like totally wrong in the japanese context..

then there's another example about valentine's gift.. females are OBLIGED to give giri chocolates to their bosses, male friends and collegues as a way of saying thanks and honto chocolates to their loved ones.. the males can then DECIDE whether or not to repay the gift one month later on white day(13mar)..

obviously there's some japanese culture i refuse to acknowledge.. maybe im stubborn but what the hell.. obliged to give presents? i dun like that..

and there's another thing about repaying the gift of something on par in terms of quality (which usually means price too) or better.. well, if i'm rich i'll have absolutely no qualms about this but i'm not fortunately or unfortunately..

which brings me to another point.

i like to receive gifts from people (i think most of us do?).. i'll feel bad if i can't give the person something of around the same value what i receive from him or her.. this is not the same as repaying gifts in jap context.. simply cos they repay the gift all during the same occassion which i don't..
for example A gives me $1000 watch as a birthday present.. i'll feel bad if i know i can't give A something of that value on A's birthday.. as such i'd rather not receive anything from A..
tho i don't have the mentality that when i give someone and expensive gift, i expect the same from the person, inevitably i'll feel inferior.. ego at work? i dunno.. i'll jus feel weird.. i'll sometimes even feel stress, esp when that person is someone important to me..
maybe that's why i always like things to be simple.. happiness from simplicity..

darn.. blabber so much withing such a short time.. if only i can type this way for my OM report.. *urgh*

I can feel the magic floating in the air
Being with you gets me that way
I watch the sunlight dance across your face
And I've never been this swept away
All my thoughts just seem to settle on the breeze
When I'm lying wrapped up in your arms
The whole world just fades away
The only thing I hear is the beating of your heart

Cause I can feel you breathe
Just watching over me
And suddenly I'm melting into you
There's nothing left to prove
Baby all we need is just to be
Caught up in the touch
Slow and steady rush
Baby isn't that the way that love's supposed to be?
I can feel you breathe
Just breathe

In a way I know my heart is waking up
As all the walls come tumbling down
Closer than I've ever felt before
And I know, and you know
There's no need for words right now

Breathe - Faith Hill

did i do A because of 1, 2 or 3?
did i do B because of 1, 2 or 3?
will i stick with A regardless of 1, 2 or 3?
i think i did B cos of 1, 1 and 1 again..

stay away cos i'll bite..
i'll bite when i'm bitchy..
i get bitchy esp when i'm tired..
i get tired when i'm upset..
i get upset when i'm hurt..
i get hurt more easily when i care..
i care when it's you..
you dun deserve this cos it was unintentional..

is it the things done or was it those not done?
is it the content or was it the lack of it?
is it the foresight or was it the myopic state?
is it a chance or did i took it for granted?
was it a game i played into reality?
is this gg to be a viscious cycle?

ms mid term's over.. *phew* nothing much to tok abt.. just unsure..

mm mid term's coming!! *screams*
10 bloody long chapters to study for 50 mcq qns with 5 options tt takes up 25% of my grade.. how 'nice' is it? okie i noe.. so boring to see an entry with nothing but complaints.. for goodness sake i'm studying on a saturday when i'm supposed to be slacking watching tv or out having fun.. okie i noe.. it's only this weekend rite.. i'll be happier monday.. for awhile before other work comes.. *sulk*

and i feel so silly.. it's not as if i won't have the company anymore.. i just dunno what got into me to feel so sad i felt like crying.. which eventually ended up me tearing for a minute or so.. *smack my head*

i think my astigmatism is back to haunt me after so many years.. left eye got double vison.. can't read properly.. feel like gorging my eye out.. mayb i'll be better off dead. gotta go see optician for a new pair of specs soon.. before i go blind reading my notes and textbooks.. *blink blink*

nerd? maybe i'm becoming one.. under influence.. but then again.. i dun think i'll be one.. i mean i wanna go out and meet my friends.. spend time and talk to them.. talk about things other than studies.. i still sleep alot.. read magazines and jus slack.. okie.. considering me studying for test so last minute.. i think i'm not.. *woohoo* somehow diligence to a nerdy extent is so not me.. *grinz* which brings me to the point.. i'm here blogging my way when i still have 5 chapters to read.. *shrugs*

i'm not in a good mood today i guess.. my sis piss me off the moment i got home.. father wanna borrow money from me when i barely have enough for myself.. what the hell.. here bitching abt my father sounds so bad? tell me abt it.. *buay tahan* want to vomit blood scolding my sis and trying to make my father discipline her.. dun let her go out tis weekend.. guess what? she went out when i came home.. her exams coming so soon.. next fri.. still dun wan to settle down to revise her work.. really wan to give her up le.. *faint*