i was browsing through my blog archives this morning.. and i realised how naive and childish i used to be (not that i'm not already).. it seems to me i start to kai1 qiao4 starting 3rd quarter of 2003.. which happens to be the time when my life was the most happening and at the same time messed up.. in terms of family (financial instability) and bgr..

and all thru this while i've received tremendous help from my friends (esp jasc n sean) during this period, listening to me, giving me advices.. or just simply being there.. i'm most appreciative of them..

if things weren't the way they were, then things won't be what they are today.. history cannot be re-written but it definitely can be prevented from repetition..
so yes i'm fine with it..

to me, i just don't like things to be hanging somewhere or nowhere.. just like when i had a big crush for sd during jc years i decided to tell him abt it before we graduate and i'm glad we did talk about what was going through our minds.. then when it comes to k, which obviously now i SEE the stupidity and impetuous side.. i did not have a chance to talk it out and get it out of my system. it's like going thru and recovering from an operation to remove a fork only to realise a small piece of metal was left inside of me.. haha.. not fatal, yet not fully rid of the fork.. on the other hand, i can pretend the metal is not there (but never that the fork hadn't been inside of me) or simply forget the existence of the metal (which is not possible too).. but of course i'm afraid going through another operation to remove the metal may diagnose me with other problems more severe. worst still, they may never be curable.. i don't know what to do.. just want to enjoy the simplicity of the company.. just like this one

"oei, what's ur msn?
oei, it is ------at hotmail.com..
oei, ok, add you le
oei, got fot it fit liao fiao la fa!"

oNe dAy, LovE mEt fRieNdsHiP. LovE aSkEd fRiEndsHiP, "wHy dO yOu eXiSt wHen i aLrEaDy eXiSt?" fRiEndShIp rEpLiEd, "tO pUt a sMiLe wHeRe yOu LeFt tEaRs..."

indeed, i'm smiling.. *grinz*

i was too stubborn and ignorant of the consequences back in those years (2 years ago oso very long le okie).. to actually be a third party, i must have been more than overwhelmed by my ideals (you noe, bballgoodlookinggentlesweetnicefunnyandall).. and i'm guilty for all the rubbish caused to my friends.. and at this moment in time i wanna say BIG thankyou to puiee.. a very forgiving person.. and with principles.. yeah, there were real bad times but she did not leave me at any point of them.. i just can't thank her enough la.. you know can le la hor haha..

i think the second period i started to kai1 qiao4 would be 2nd to 3rd quarter of 2004.. when again, my life seems to be the most happening and messed up.. (hey ppl really do grow in times of adversity eh?) with foc and rag going on, i started to meet my friends less.. ironically, i got to know more people (not friends) through the partying every wednesdays (and sometimes saturdays).. i became a bitch and did alot of things (sometimes ridiculous).. i tried smoking, stayed out all night, dirty danced, lied to sm just to name a few.. the short break in between foc and rag camp gave me an excellent opportunity to do some reflection.. i recognize the kind of life i wish for and the kind of person i want to be with.. in short i woke up. plus i met the person who made me make a decision. and to my pleasant surprise, i became what i am this very day..

zw has definitely tamed me alot alot haha.. he made me appreciate how much one can change (or give up) for a person you love.. he is what i hope for (although not exactly there yet haha).. at least now i can see a future and work towards it.. at least now i have the security i long sought after (yes, really LONG).. and recently, i finally prove i can study well if i want to (i'm still oh-so-fun-loving ok, not nerdy)..

despite that i have to admit that i miss those 'carefree' days.. minus the ridiculous doings.. i still want my gatherings and outings with pigumao(ses is me).. i still like the excitement of gg on dates (silly).. my long long dinners with gw yl matt.. my dinner dates with dapig.. i still wan many ktv and shopping sessions with the gals.. i still wan mahjong sessions at my place.. and i do miss the long meetings and preparation work for foc and rag..

i'm glad to become a better person.. i'm glad to see my friends becoming better and happier each day..

and with that.. life goes on.. =)