Silence is not golden
The same logic i waited a few days before sending letters to express my dissatisfaction to The Largos Hotel and Jetstar, so I see and organize situations more objectively.
I don't even know where to start. I am truly upset.
Contrary to what you think, I do NOT prioritize my friends over you. My decision/ thinking was based on, and will always be based on the situation.
From another perspective, if I always put my friends in first place, I wouldn't be informing you (usually) way in advance I will be out with them, I wouldn't be spending most of my weekends with you (before you start questioning what 'most' stands for, when I meet my friends, it is usually for a few hours. When I'm with you.. gosh, need I say more?!?!?!). I wouldn't be arranging my meet ups with friends away from the more important dates (e.g. ur actual birthday, my actual birthday, anniversaries). If these aren't so clear to you, hopefully the listings here can somehow show you whatever you need to see.
Now, the fact that I (initially) prioritize my trip with them, was because we had planned it at least 2 years ago.
Which brings me to another point.
I think it is a very disrespectful behaviour to question my friends' commitment to the trip. Or to be making assumption that they are not committed and we will most probably not be making the trip anyway. At least to me, I am very sure we will be making this trip as planned, hence I had wanted to make the effort and not be the one who had to turn it down.
Similar to your thoughts that the first thought is usually the most important, your mentioning of my friends not being committed and that I prioritize my friends really upsets me. I feel damn wronged. It feels like you don't know me afterall. Seriously, go speak to my friends (oh, you wouldn't 'cos to you none of them can be trusted huh), just for the sake of understanding me better, are you willing to try?
How many years have we been together? Silly question I know.
Do you still not know when I agree to attending someone's wedding, I hate to be not able to attend, simply because I wouldn't like the same to happen to my own wedding?
Do you really want me to ask for your permission to attend any wedding/ birthdays/ baby showers?
Do you still not realize perhaps you need to make it more explicit to me of your actions/ planning in case it is not registered in my radar? (This I am trying to improve as well)
Do you still think I should spend even more time with you given my current schedules? Or do you think I should not meet my friends at all and hope they still accept me as their friend?
At this stage in my life, I want to balance it. Family is important to me, just as you are. Friends are also a crucial part of my life. All of you are people I cannot live without (at least I think so). That said, I need to have my own space, my own time, my own life. Even as a married couple or a family, each of us will still need to have our own space. You don't agree? That's why I have been asking you to watch movies like Bride Wars, He's just not that into you, Sex in the City2, where I can relate very well to some of the characters in these movies!!!!
I like being with you, and I am happy when I am with you. Why do you still question it? Just because I want to spend time with my friends does not mean I am not happy with you!
And for the record, there is no such thing as too many friends, there are only more/ fewer friends.
Third. You may not mean to, but each time you emphasize you are the sponsor of something, I feel put down, I feel inferior. Like I'm obligated to give in. This trip - case in point. If I don't give in, you will think I don't care 'cos I am not paying, I do not need to plan, yada yada yada. Again, so wronged.
It is not that I am not happy to be going on a paid trip (who won't be?). It is just that I would rather not have the sponsor or go on this trip, if I have to be subjected to obligation, or the constant reminder that I am poor, and should be glad that you are paying, thus should follow your way.
I am getting tired of proving myself. Isn't this kind of justification only for the doubtful?
At the end of the day, if in your eyes, I am a partner that prioritizes friends over you, who don't care about things if I don't have a financial share in it, who is not happy with you, and at the same time you cannot accept a partner who needs her own space and own life, I don't see a point in trying to stay together.
Now, to me it is a matter of acceptance, are you willing to accept me for the way I am?
If you have not noticed, I have changed. For better/ worse? To you, I don't know. But at least to me I think it is a good change. The fact that I wrote this whole chunk to you means something. If I don't love you, why should I bother explaining, and why will I feel so upset for so many days?
But at the same time, there is always a limit to everything, and right now I am really tired. I am not giving up, but I really don't know how long I can last if this kind of issues reoccur.
One suggestion, I think you can improve on the way you phrase things, your words can be really demeaning and hurtful.
As I understand and respect how finances is important to you, and how distrustful you think some pepople are, I do hope for the fairness to accept my friends and the need for me to be alone at times.
OK, I am done here. Once again, I am sorry on the overlook, and I have arranged to postpone my trip already, though I have not received the rest's feedback.
This is so liberating. No interruption. No defensive statements. No drilling of your logic into me. No judgement of what I say.
Time for a good sleep, and hopefully after tonight I wouldn't be upset and cry myself awake from nightmares.