heartbroken..

and it felt terrible. horrible. unbearable.

my first time crying out loud (and uglily and uncontrollably) in orchard road.
i've never felt so disappointed w you before. not even when you did not keep your word cos of mahjong.
i've never felt so enervated since my last breakup. not even when i had insomnia for weeks.
and i've never felt so apprehensive about your reaction to my feelings. not even when i risk your dissent towards this entry.

before you articulate this entry jeopardizes your reputation or whatsoever. i'm only indicating how i feel til this very moment since i broke down last night because of what happened.

different beings can abide different circumstances and this happens to be one i find arduous.

the instant you let off back at me left me astonished to the extent i did not know how to react.
retorting back at you wasn't even an option for me at that time. all i wanted to do was to keep quiet to prevent me screaming back at you which you absolutely abhor.

ultimately i did let everything out. only to receive your riposte. perhaps we were furious about things of two opposite ends. perhaps we were just both stressed up.

now i comprehend. i should be pleasing when you are not at fault (nevermind how i was feeling then). i should be simling and speaking when you ask me not to keep quiet. i should be normal (to you) pretend nothing has happened (to me) after you said sorry regardless of whether it's your wrongdoing.

and i'll try to do just that. really.

i want to say. some things are hard to change. some things will never be the same again. for worse or for the better, i desire for the latter.

i thought talking about it to someone will make me feel better. apparently i'm wrong. every occurance of you in my thought or conversation brought tears choking my arteries.

i'm still tearing.. only it's in my heart..

"when you realise your tears bring annoyance instead of comfort, when your silence brings confusion instead of patience, when your opinions bring refute instead of tolerance, will you still wipe your tears away, smile and say i'm alright?"

i will, merely cos i still love..