was on the bus home hours ago.. and suddenly weird thoughts came to my mind.. i can't really tell him what is it..cos he'll be unhappy.. so i guess i can do it here? damn.. he's going to read it anyway huh.. *bites pillow*

i was asking myself.. if there's another guy who's good-looking, rich, romantic, smart and devoted after me now.. will i choose him? the answer's no.. but if this situation happens 5 years later and we're sort of like stagnant.. i think so..

before you start thinking hey i'm a bitch, materialistic.. blablabla.. stop.. don't judge.. don't ever judge when you know nuts about anything.. and don't think you know everything.. cos you simply don't..

do you really think love is enough to substantiate a relationship? a long term relationship?

do relationship actually have different stages?

do you find yourself getting more compromising with each passing day? when you realise many things are not what you want but happens anyway and you compromise cos you love him? you think you can live with that.. you think yeah, a relationship should progress this way.. if you are happy, i have nothing to say. if you are not happy... should you carry on?

i had to make a choice between love and future in my last relationship and i chose the latter.. i did not appreciate a single bit being neglected or taken for granted that i belonged to him though i very much liked the fact he chose to spend on me rather than gambling.. i was once contented with 'living by the day' but soon realise i want security.. now i find the security and i'm afraid i have to give up attention and the element of surprise.. perhaps if i wasn't so educated i won't be such a demanding bitch.. i may jolly well still be in my last relationship..

before you scream at me and say i'm selfish, kindly refer to 3rd paragraph of this entry..

or maybe you think i should just go back to my ex, i can't.. cos he's not the one i love now..

what may be the cause of my desire to settle down early? family trend? perhaps i dislike my family and thus want to start my own to make things right.. i'm so sorry i'm not ambitious in the 'correct' and 'normal' terms.. i feel sick even thinking about the loads i'll have to carry.. independence.. you know how satisfying and comforting it is to be able to depend on someone?

i don't think there's different stages in a relationship.. at least not so distinctively.. if idealism makes me miserable, i'll give up my ability to think..

to ppl who think love is everything.. it's enough to heold anything together, to do anything, congratulations.. stay this way..

for once i did believe.. and regretted the exposure to the real world.. i wished the rabbit fur from the magician's rabbit could go deeper..