reality is cruel? hmmm, absolutely..

i was hit by it just hours ago and i'm very upset..

it's amazing a simple session over coffee reveals this much..

i don't even think i know him anymore.. it's weird.. and i'm sad.. i don't feel good at all..

i want to do something about it but i don't know what to do or how to..

he is important to me and i hate the situation now..

is there really no friends forever?

was on the bus home hours ago.. and suddenly weird thoughts came to my mind.. i can't really tell him what is it..cos he'll be unhappy.. so i guess i can do it here? damn.. he's going to read it anyway huh.. *bites pillow*

i was asking myself.. if there's another guy who's good-looking, rich, romantic, smart and devoted after me now.. will i choose him? the answer's no.. but if this situation happens 5 years later and we're sort of like stagnant.. i think so..

before you start thinking hey i'm a bitch, materialistic.. blablabla.. stop.. don't judge.. don't ever judge when you know nuts about anything.. and don't think you know everything.. cos you simply don't..

do you really think love is enough to substantiate a relationship? a long term relationship?

do relationship actually have different stages?

do you find yourself getting more compromising with each passing day? when you realise many things are not what you want but happens anyway and you compromise cos you love him? you think you can live with that.. you think yeah, a relationship should progress this way.. if you are happy, i have nothing to say. if you are not happy... should you carry on?

i had to make a choice between love and future in my last relationship and i chose the latter.. i did not appreciate a single bit being neglected or taken for granted that i belonged to him though i very much liked the fact he chose to spend on me rather than gambling.. i was once contented with 'living by the day' but soon realise i want security.. now i find the security and i'm afraid i have to give up attention and the element of surprise.. perhaps if i wasn't so educated i won't be such a demanding bitch.. i may jolly well still be in my last relationship..

before you scream at me and say i'm selfish, kindly refer to 3rd paragraph of this entry..

or maybe you think i should just go back to my ex, i can't.. cos he's not the one i love now..

what may be the cause of my desire to settle down early? family trend? perhaps i dislike my family and thus want to start my own to make things right.. i'm so sorry i'm not ambitious in the 'correct' and 'normal' terms.. i feel sick even thinking about the loads i'll have to carry.. independence.. you know how satisfying and comforting it is to be able to depend on someone?

i don't think there's different stages in a relationship.. at least not so distinctively.. if idealism makes me miserable, i'll give up my ability to think..

to ppl who think love is everything.. it's enough to heold anything together, to do anything, congratulations.. stay this way..

for once i did believe.. and regretted the exposure to the real world.. i wished the rabbit fur from the magician's rabbit could go deeper..

you know sometimes i can't stand school cos i hardly find time to blog.. which makes me unhappy.. hur~

haven't spent a whole day in town with the girls for so long le!!! we went shopping(for jasc and qian) and walking for me.. hehz.. i don't feel really bad cos i get to see jasc trying on clothes and give her comments! haha.. the denim short short skirt and white skirt she bought are so nice!!! *phewwweeeet* the small talks were pretty enjoyable too~!

oh and yep, i had a chocolate 'Hero' bun for lunch! it's just beside the shilin taiwan snacks stall in far east level one! pretty tasty.. or is it that i was too hungry? *shrugs*

i think i've start to got this 'thing' for tube dresses.. but i was too lazy to try them on.. anyhow i don't have the money! ha.. and yes shoes!!! i sort of like the 2 pair of white heels i saw in charles and keith.. look so sweet and nice with both jeans and skirt! i shall add it to my list.. but then again i'll become taller than him leh, if i wear them.. urgh~ this is the problem with my height..

oh, which reminds me.. was walking past orchard mrt station when a girl gave me a scare by appearing from behind and started talking to me.. turn out she's a talent scout.. asked me if i am currently modelling with any agency.. if i wanted to join their blablabla (i'm so sorry i wasn't listening to her).. of course i did not accept.. she dun sound or look convincing at all.. hmmm, perhaps she did it on purpose? i mean i'm not a model 'ingredient' la.. perhaps she saw my face and decided to look and sound not convincing.. *lol*

i mean i do feel a little surprised.. it's been months since i was approached.. haha (so bhb).. it kind of feels good.. you know.. that kind of at-least-still-got-ppl-wanna-ask-me-be-model feeling.. proud? maybe a little.. not everyone gets approached more than once right?? *bitch* must be my new levis jeans la.. yeah i love my 593!!! haha.. thanks dear!! though every time i tell you a talent scout approach me you will say they are trying to cheat me.. they are blind.. blablabla..

which reminds me jasc was telling me one of her male friend thinks girls who wear size 27 levis jeans are fat.. well, did i interpret correctly? i suppose the reaction "aiyo, why tt ger wear size 27 wan??" don't sound very approving eh? just because his girlfriend wears size 24 (not forgetting she's small frame and small size) doesn't mean 27 and above are fat right? haha.. i totally disagree.. but i can only say alamak.. i mean even if i can fit size 24, it'll only be long enough for me as a 3-quart yeah? i even find 27 abit short for me! *shakes head* alright.. it's just sad to hear such thing.. there're actually ppl who are so ignorant.. (no offence ar jasc cos he's ur fren)

gosh.. am i old or what? my legs are feeling the aches from all the walking!! &^*($#_!@

somehow i still don't find my presence appropriate.. nevertheless, i'm exhilarated.. finally can own my first 593.. i won't stop at that you know!!!

i want chocolate buffet.. i want chocolate buffet.. i want chocolate buffet.. *chants*

i'm a happy girl.. minus the infuriating stuff today.

cheered myself up eating andersons and old chang kee!

i'm sure most ppl would have simply tried cheering me up knowing i'm upset.

too bad messages have to be encoded using specifically letters of the alphabet in english.

no difference speaking to vapour or a piece of stone considering there's still mass.

for instantaneous displacement reaction, try this.
2Mg + CO2 -> 2MgO + C
aka the 'burning magnesium'.. much better than expect me to hop around right after my frustrations.

doesn't matter right or wrong, doesn't matter the reasons.. all i want is to be cheered up when i'm down.. not 'rationality overload'..

tell me this is too much..

i seriously feel like sreaming my head off at him.. but i can't..

i'm in school...

what the fuck..

many people make new year resolutions.. so this year i shall conform to the norm and be a little more 'normal'?

quite a number of projects for me to work on.. hee.. am pretty excited about some of them i must say.. but sssshhhhhh.. i ain't gonna tell anyone about it.. nope.. not even you.. *winkz*

am glad for you to receive da cert from dean's office.. hee.. i know of course you'll continue to strive eh? though it's tough.. hang in there u monkey! *haha*

as some may know.. i seriously hate readings.. i mean come on, i dun mind textbooks if they have pictures and colors.. readings are bloody hell black and white and so damn wordy!!! the worst thing is.. you have to print them yourselves or photocopy or whatever.. so my money kena eaten up by photocopying machines and printers.. or should i blame myself for getting headaches reading of the computer screen?

alright, even if printing is necessary. why the hell so many bloody pages?!?!?! the stack of readings still considerable thick even when i print double sided 2-pg printing.. what the heck.. except for bizcom.. the remaining 4 modules are so 'reading-heavy' ones.. at least my jap studies readings are relatively more 'story-like' which makes it easier and more enjoyable for me to digest.. reading for apac biz sucks! one lecture has 3 sets of readings! i have a feeling they're gonna collect dust on my table until the urgency bell in me rings near april.. *sulk*

okie.. serves me right for being and undergrad..

aha! finally my long-waited tonkichi dinner @ suntec yesterday!
simple and nice.. well, it's the company that matters anyway.. *grinz*
5/12.. 10/24.. 20/48.. blablabla.. getting at ditzy over here.. i don't wan sch to start!!! *screams*

there goes my dr who visits often to prescribe remedy for the weird feeling in my heart each time i'm alone..

somehow i've got a feeling this is going to be a lousy semester for me..

not forgetting the dilema: double major or not???

i'm not happy.. not happy at all.. in fact.. i'm pissed.. for whatever reasons..

i already told you i'm playing..
yeah i know.. i told you i'm cheonging, i told you i'm ktving til 3/4am but you'll stil not be happy rite? i know the revenge is rather impt in your case from what i see the other day. great.. so i have no reason to be unhappy..

i can't go home..
alright.. it sounds abit ridiculous but i'll give it a pass.. since it's not you at all to refuse or walk away.. it's not you to say no. it's not me to stay home on wed nites, it's not me to insist on gg home after ktv instead of staying til morning.. but i did. cos everything i do now there's another person to consider.. and the person is you..

you.. and it's not a politically rite ans..
mahjong or me? you or me? tell me it's me when you are playing.. yeah. lose money so must continue playing.. i have nothing to say. another reason to my being unreasonable to be unhappy..

fine.. i wont play..
you are unhappy.. you are exasperated.. i am too. to tell the truth i din think you'll stop playing.. so i din take tt msg seriously.. if i apply this to you as a person, mayb there won't be so much unhappiness? i don't know..

i know. i'll never understand cos i'm a FEMALE.. it's the last week you can play so you should play. applying the theory of balance, i should play too.. did i get it right this time?

there are things silently put aside or away for the fear of guilt and pressure. don't understand? since i have to sms 'call me' to receive one from you.. i'm unhappy. i'm afraid you'll be unhappy so i did not club, i did not spend like nobody's business.. i want to be with you on xmas eve so i gave all the gatherings a miss.. no matter how much you ask me to enjoy myself, to go, i know you'll be unhappy so i stayed.. and seriously i was not bored.

yeah, it's your life la.. i can't and am not supposed to interfere.. it's not easy to meet a person who can make me change for the better. now i'm starting to think twice..

i've had enough. there's no reason to be unhappy ain't it so? as you wish..

i'm still unhappy though i've ranted.. i don't feel good at all.. my heart aches.. and you are the first one to make it ache so bad..

school's starting soon.. all the more i treasure the times.. and maybe want more of it.. not good? not healthy? maybe..

selfish bitch..

i din want to disappear but i din know what to say.. and i was too stubborn to agree with your words.. and it din really matter anymore mayb? i can stil go anywhere i wan to.. do whatever i wan alone.. it's supposed to be better this way ain't it? aiya whateva la.. i dunno..

we're ultimately different. i can't be a guy.. neither can you be a ger..

i heard what she says and what he says.. there's sure alot of work to be done for them.. hope they can sort it out.. their stories can be scary at times.. *phew*

drink smoke gamble flirt.. every single guy sure does one of the four.. i give up..

it's always nice to meet up with old friends.. he sounds happier to me.. with those interesting experiences in camp.. glad that he has much more to share now.. hee.. i won't forget my treat.. you know you know??

aiyo but somehow i feel he'll somehow find a way to not do it.. haiz.. hope not ba..

today's trip to taka for dim sum's abit dreading.. the bus ride's super duper long!! i know i like bus rides.. but not when it's stuck in orchard for abt half hour!! in the middle of the day somemore!! haiz.. stupid trafic!!!

gg out with him and fren is okie.. quite entertaining.. or is it i'm 'laughy' today? ha.. just a little off tho.. i dunno how to explain.. but i sure enjoyed the company..

i met a quite fucked up guy today.. on the bus on my way home..

you know sometimes it feels kind of irritating when you feel the body heat from the person next to you especially from the arms and thighs?

i felt that way just now.. so i moved inwards towards the windows.. so that the contact is minimised..

less than 3 mins later his arm is in contact with mine again.. thighs too.. *pui!*

so i figited, you know, the kind of trying-to-show-you-are-unhappy-and wants-more-space-no-contact actions.. i even stared and diaoed him.. he responded by adjusting his position a little..

but once again the same thing happened after less than 3 mins.. fuck it! i'm like literally glued to the windows le.. for goodness sake the guy's pretty scrawny so there's no reason he's too big sized for the seat..

so i'm pissed off though he may not do it on purpose.. i said "can you fucking please sit properly?" without the 'fucking'..

then i called my dear and chat on the phone.. then the guy went off..

this is not the first time i met such fucking idiots and i SERIOUSLY hate them.. bastards..

day dreaming can sometimes be intriguing..

despite the slump it brings to realise our mundane life..

i want my condo, bmw, super kitchen with full set utensils..
i want my ass to become smaller my hair to grow thicker..
i want my holiday villa with a fantastic sea view..
i want my own family, a capable husband, hunky son and drop dead gorgeous daughter..

*slap* wake up...

my favourite day of the year is here! hee..

my dear became my part time maid today..
i'm touched.. *winkz*
i can't say enough.. love ya!

it's a blessing to be able to depend on someone..

while i'm still remorseful over the loss of smses in my nokia hp due to my stupidity on wed nite.. hur~

i'm pretty disturbed by what happened..

why is the person i see not you when i open the door?
why is he the one bringing me vcds for my grandma?
why is he the one who visited me when i'm not feeling well?
why is he the one who would look for me no matter what time and where he is as long as i want to?
why did he give up so many things just for me?
he did all the things i'd loved you to though i did not expect them from you..

so is it his fault? maybe without him i will not be disturbed.. just a teeny weeny bit disappointed?

influence? maybe.. even my pr sch buddy asked 'you not feeling well, where is he?'
when i asked where was he when his girl fall sick, 'walau.. of cos go find her la! then see how go see doc or jus take care of her..'
okie, i have nothing to say.. even more so when he offered to visit me and get me something light to eat..

which brings me to a point.. i feel so loved by my friends.. my girls are there whenever i'm happy or sad, when i'm overwhelmed with complaints or excitement.. i'm sure jasc and qian will be ALWAYS there.. yihui will always be my last buffer.. wanz who shared some memorable times with me in sajc.. jing eveready for little chats and dvds.. sharing her talent with us.. bin never refuses to lend a helping hand..
sean da pig for me to talk to, listen to, scream at, beat or bite, cry and whine to.. even if he don't mean it, the little gestures are much appreciated.. ah bing's ever such a nice senior to talk to about everything.. my sisters gouweewee and matt since almost 10 years ago.. not forgetting my good son for being my chauffuer without second thoughts.. and my brother in australia with his frequent regards..

am blessed with my beloved.. i should be contented.. thou shall compromise.. x_x

haiz, maybe it's just me eh.. i'm sick of jioing ppl out le.. as in you know.. that kind of og or class gathering..

it feels i'm not appreciated at all..

'so who's gg? huh, these ppl not very fun ba, can't get other ppl then i reconsider le wor..'

great.. go ahead la.. cancel it.. you go tell the rest they are not fun enough.. i counldn't care less..

i'll most prob get immune to tis kind of rubbish? oh. so is that your plot? bitch..

it's only a thin line between being nice and rude..

ppl who really know me knows i hate being 'pang sehed' especially last minute..

and you jolly well stay away from me when you repeat this more than 3 times..

i don't care what your boy is trying to do to stop you from going clubbing with us. if you know he WON'T let you go in the first place then don't ask me to jio my friends and telling me 'oh, i don't think i'm gg le, actually i'm glad he don't let me go'..

yes.. you are glad.. i don't care.. just don't do this last minute thing again.. i donno how much more of this i can take..

haaa~ finally my first contribution to the js forum when the sem's just about to end on saturday afternoon.. damn.. i feel so lazy and reluctant to study for js.. one question 2 hrs.. what the hell is this man?? argh.. so what if it's open book? dunno how to use the info oso no use! argh.. great.. a whole load of stuff to read still.. that's it..

to hear countless narrations, her heart throbs
to sniff his fatal warmth, her being jolts
to see many hearts broken, hers freezes
to touch another's soul, she dares not

come taste her tears of anguish and vengeance..

lack in candor as evidence shows
thus a path down brutality grows
in wilderness that unleashed her pursue
to beseech a knight subduing the unmoved

a tinge of faith lingers despite preceding mutilations..

to gather verification, mortality fades
to sense his lethal breath, indifference surfaces
to look at her heart fall into pieces, insanity fuels
to handle another's emotions, her courage's slayed

come savor the wrecked, of ruins and demise..

有時當愛情來的時候我們都不知到。。。
但當它走了以後你卻能確定它曾經存在過。。。

i'm so behind time for revision.. doubt i'm gg to finish.. but then again it's been like this since year 1.. hur~

only this time other than my slacking contributing to lag in revision, there are other stuff gg on.. what to do? this is life.. *brrrrrrrrrr*

good luck..